


Tell me what makes you stay

by elenilote



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26524786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elenilote/pseuds/elenilote
Summary: Taemin has an anxiety episode and thinks back on all the important people in his life.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin, Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	Tell me what makes you stay

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [100 ways by Jackson Wang](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87VRaM5_bAE)  
> The story contains discussion re: Jonghyun's death so if that is an issue for you, don't read any further.

He should be used to this by now, after all it had been his life for over half of it by now. But no matter how many times he got up on a stage to perform or in front of a camera for an interview, Taemin still got the shivers down his neck and butterflies in his stomach - which was fine and perfectly normal - but some days it was more than that. Like today.

Today he was just unable to calm down enough to remember the answers he'd prepared for the upcoming interview - the one that he was supposed to step into the studio for in less than thirty minutes. The makeup was nearly done so maybe he could make an excuse and hide in the bathroom for a while to compose himself. If this was a SHINee event, his hyungs would be there to keep him grounded, they'd been there the first time Taemin had broken down in tears from anxiety and had made sure never to leave him alone before an important event after that. With SuperM he had Kai and Ten to ground himself with but here, when he was just Taemin alone - there was no one. 

The moment he was free to get up from the makeup chair, Taemin made his excuses and locked the door to the bathroom behind him. Careful not to mess up his outfit, he sat down on the cool floor and closed his eyes. He suddenly missed his hyungs so bad, he missed Key and Minho's relentless bickering and Onew rolling his eyes at them both and sneaking a snack to Taemin when the manager wasn't looking. And on days like this he really missed Jonghyun's uncanny ability to just appear seemingly out of nowhere with a hug when he needed it the most. Jonghyun's death had hit Taemin hard and he'd spent the first few days after the announcement in a daze, feeling shocked and bereft and at the same time guilty for feeling that way - he was just Jonghyun's team mate, not family, what right did he have to feel so upset? He'd somehow made it through the memorial service and then it had been Christmas and that had been full of family obligations but the anxiety had returned in full force once he'd returned to the dorms. He'd struggled with his eating and spent a lot of time tossing and turning in his bed instead of sleeping but he'd tried so hard to be good and not bother the others with his issues. 

Taemin smiled remembering how Key had sat him down in the kitchen and had made him talk. And after he'd hiccupped and cried his way through some sort of an explanation, Key had hugged him tight and told him everything would be alright, they still had each other and they would never leave Taemin to hurt alone again. And then Minho had made coffee and called Kai, asking him to pack a bag and stay for a couple of days. That had brought on a fresh wave of tears to Taemin - he'd felt so grateful that his brothers had accepted Kai into their little family, they'd understood quickly how serious they were about each other and made every effort to include Kai in their lives. 

Kai. _Jongin-ah_. So steady and strong, he grounded Taemin when he could feel himself drowning. To be honest, Taemin couldn't really remember many details of his time as a trainee and then the first couple of years after the debut, his days were full with school and work and trying to be so good. He hadn't really stayed close with many of the people he'd been a trainee with and being the youngest of five in SHINee came with its own set of issues. Those early years he didn't really have close friends, not until Kai had come along. Taemin had been delighted to find someone close to his own age that he could spend time with and when they'd been assigned to Younique together, their friendship had really taken root. They'd spent hours training and rehearsing, often past curfew and fallen asleep together in the practice room. They'd talked about everything and Taemin had felt brave enough to confess how the anxiety he'd felt ever since he was small still lingered, about being bullied in school and feeling trapped with no way out. How sometimes before going on stage he shook so bad he couldn't stand but how amazing he felt once he was actually performing. And Kai had listened, he hadn't judged or dismissed Taemin's feelings - they'd hugged and that was it, but Taemin had felt light for the first time in his life. 

And they'd continued, even with Kai becoming a superstar with EXO himself - they'd remained friends and somewhere along the line the friendship had become...more. Taemin had never been in love before, so he didn't recognise the feelings at first - how could he, he had no time to explore relationships with anyone. But then Kai had kissed him the first time, late at night after a concert that had gone spectacularly well for EXO and Taemin had been backstage watching. It had been a surprise but a nice one - and after recovering from the shock of receiving his first kiss from his best friend, Taemin had returned it just as enthusiastically and... well, that had been the start of the most wonderful time. 

Their life had been pretty perfect, they had the support of their respective teams and the management - though Taemin sometimes thought privately that the management not so much approved of them but turned a blind eye in return for their success - their friendship was public knowledge so walking together hand in hand or being spotted hugging wasn't a big deal. But as they approached the tenth anniversary of SHINee's debut, Taemin's anxiety was at all-time high and nothing seemed to help with settling him. So his brothers had decided to throw a small private anniversary party at the dorm, the four of them and their closest friends only - no management and no cameras, no script to follow and no one to dictate how they should behave. Kai had been there, of course and with him came Baekhyun - with his quick wit and crazy jokes he was often the soul of any party. So was bright Jimin, his infectious laugh lifting the mood of everyone within hearing distance (Jimin's friendship really was a gift, Taemin mused - he was one of the few who truly shared Taemin's passion for dance and matched him in skill - he should make more of an effort to keep in touch, after all he was the older one and the one with more time on his hands). And that party had been where Taemin and Kai had talked to Ten for the first time. 

Sure, they were all under the same management and shared the stage sometimes at special events or appeared on TV together but they were at such different stages of their careers (Ten's was just taking off while Taemin and Kai's were well-established by now) that they really hadn't had any opportunities to socialise. But Ten had come to the party and with his adorably convoluted Korean had spent the entire evening entertaining Taemin and Kai with stories of all the ways how he found life in Korea both strange and interesting. He was pretty (of course he was, he'd been chosen for his looks as much as his talent) but it was his brilliant mind that had captivated Taemin. Ten spoke three languages and was studying a fourth, could spend an hour talking about almost any topic and was an incredibly talented artist too (" _Oh I draw as a hobby, it keeps me busy_ ," he'd said brightly, showing them some of his drawings on his phone). Ten had been so different from anyone they'd met before, Taemin had been so fascinated by this bright, smiling creature who rarely sat still but practically vibrated with excitement whenever he was the subject of someone's attention. Key had been right, the party did bring a measure of peace to the four of them, a reminder that they were not alone and that they had many dear friends - old and new - who cared and would be there to support them. 

Soon Ten was as integral a part of his life as Kai, slotting into the friendship circle alongside Jimin and Ravi and Timoteo as easily as he'd always been a part of it. But as often as not it was just Taemin and Kai with Ten, the three of them enjoying a night out or a weekend in watching movies or playing games and all the while improving Ten's Korean by teaching him all the slang the language teachers didn't. Somewhere along the way Taemin started to notice his feelings towards Ten morph into more than plain friendship, they were starting to look a lot like the ones he was having for Kai. That led to a short-lived existential crisis for Taemin, questioning everything he'd learned about himself - how could he have the same feelings for two separate people? Weren't you supposed to find The One you'd want to spend the rest of your life with and hadn't he found that in Kai? Lucky for Taemin his hyungs had learned to read him like a book by now and this time it was Minho who sat him down to question what the hell was going on this time?? Taemin had squirmed and stuttered his way through sort of an explanation and Minho had stood up muttering to himself about stupid kids and their stupid boyfriend problems and gone to fetch Onew instead. Their leader wasn't usually the one Taemin would approach with emotional issues ( _not that hyung was bad at it! he just carried so much on his shoulders already and Taemin didn't want to burden him any more than necessary_ ) but this time he had been the right person to talk to. He'd reassured Taemin that it was perfectly OK to have feelings for more than one person and it didn't mean he loved Kai any less but he really should be talking to his boyfriend about this instead. Which turned out to be the easiest part of the whole thing, Kai had listened to Taemin's confession seriously and had taken a moment before replying that he might be feeling the same way about Ten ( _hadn't that been a surprise and a relief_!)

But how to approach the object of their new-found affection with the news had been complicated. This was a discussion best had in private, away from cameras and curious eyes but their free time was in short supply and any chance to get just the three of them alone was nearly impossible. It took them a better part of a year to get the chance and it came unwittingly with the management's help. Taemin, Kai and Ten were all going to be part of a new supergroup that also included Baekhyun and three more guys from NCT that Taemin was familiar but not exactly friends with. This meant that suddenly there was an excuse to spend a lot of time with Ten and with some enthusiastic help from their younger teammates, Taemin and Kai managed to get Ten alone with them for a whole evening. They'd talked late into the night and early morning, figuring out the details of their new trio and how they would work within the restrictions of their lives. By the time Ten had left in the morning, they'd shared first kisses ( _Ten was as enthusiastic in that as with everything else_ ) and slept better than ever tangled up in Taemin's too-small bed and had promised to make their best effort to be equal with their affections. It had felt important, that Ten was not an addition to Taemin and Kai's existing life but an equal part of a whole new arrangement that none of them had any prior experience with. 

Life had been so good since, having Ten in his life had made it easier for Taemin to bear his hyungs' simultaneous absence for military service and working together on SuperM had kept him busy and happy. But now it was time for Taemin's comeback album release and he hadn't been able to spend as much time with his boyfriends as he'd liked to - resulting in the situation he was in now, having an anxiety attack on the floor of a too-bright bathroom at a TV studio with twenty minutes to go before he was supposed to face the cameras. 

Taemin pulled out his phone and dialled Kai's number.

"Taemin-ah, what's wrong? Aren't you supposed to be at the studio, did something happen?" 

"Hey, Jongin-ah...nothing's wrong, really - I just got overwhelmed a bit and needed to hear your voice. I have like fifteen minutes before I have to go to soundcheck, could you keep me company until then?" 

He could hear Kai chuckle at the other end of the phone, which in turn made Taemin smile - this was the reason they worked so well, Kai could ground Taemin even without having to say anything. 

"Sure I can, but I have something even better for you - hang on a minute...let me..." there was a scuffle at the other end and some interference before Kai returned, this time on the speakerphone. "There's someone who wants to say hello too." 

"Taemin-hyung, did you get all lost in your head again? Tsk, you know better by now - you should have let me come with you and none of this would have happened!" Ten's mock-scolding voice came through the phone, chasing away the panic that had been clawing at Taemin the last hour. 

"Hey...I didn't know you two had teamed up, so good to hear from you. And I'm sorry, I do know better and should have listened to my clever boyfriends when they told me off. How can you two ever forgive me?" 

Kai's quiet laughter warmed Taemin all the way inside, like standing in a spot of noon sunlight - he felt himself recharging already. 

"You can make it up to us by acing that interview, your stuff is incredible and you need to own it - be proud of what you've created and show them why you're the best at what you do. And when you get back, we'll order some Chinese food and spoil you with ice cream and cuddles after - Ten snagged tomorrow off so we can sleep in and be lazy the whole day. 

Taemin felt the last of his anxiety melt away and be replaced by warm anticipation of a whole day spent with the people he loved. Kai was right of course, he _was_ proud of his work and he _was_ worthy of the accolades he'd received - he was the one doing these people a favour by granting them an interview, not the other way around. 

"Well if my boyfriends think so highly of me then who am I to argue! I miss you both, thank you for talking me down - I guess I just needed the reminder that I'm not alone even when you're not actually here. I have another three hours or so here and then we'll take some photos, I will be home probably very late, no earlier than 9, I think? I better go and get my makeup retouched and let the noonas fuss over me for a bit before the cameras start. Wait up for me? It's been a rough day and I need you both."

They'd gotten better at communicating what they wanted (well, Taemin had - Ten and Kai had been pretty perfect already), but still Taemin always felt that little flutter in his chest when he actively wanted something - maybe this time they would refuse after all? 

It was Ten who answered, his scolding giving way to gentle reassurance. 

" _Hyung_. Whatever you need, we're here for you. Don't worry about us, just message when you're done and we'll get the food in - that's all you have to do tonight. Now go and be famous Taemin for the cameras, knock them out with your brilliant music and charm them with your smile - then you can come home and pass out in front of the TV with your head in Jongin-ah's lap and your feet in mine. Keep that in mind and you'll be fine, promise."

"Alright alright, I promise! Now I really have to go, love you both - thank you for being there for me." 

Taemin checked himself in the bathroom mirror - at least he hadn't cried this time so the makeup was OK, he was just a bit flushed and his hair was a mess. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute as his old dance teacher had taught him to do before starting a routine to centre himself. He could do this, he had people who believed in him and who supported him. 

His phone chimed just as he was on his way out, a message from Key " _You'll smash the interview, kiddo - we're all cheering for you!_ " - Kai must have told him. 

Yeah, he had people. Anxiety could go fuck itself today, he was going to make everyone proud and kick the bad thoughts out of his head. He was Taemin the superstar today, this was his job and he was going to be fucking good at it. 

**Author's Note:**

> I became involved with SHINee post-Jonghyun era so his characterisation is entirely my interpretation.  
> Taemin was bullied in school when he was younger and still has some anxiety over it.


End file.
